you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
