You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
