i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
