twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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