I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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