Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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