Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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