no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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