Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
