New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
