your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize