i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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