there's paper in my vomit.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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