sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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