he puts the penis in happiness.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
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