it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
