Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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