everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
