My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
