I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
