I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
