he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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