You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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