i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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