Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
