Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
