on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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