meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
