I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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