I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Mom said you looked used
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
