Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
two words: eviction party
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
