drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
