I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
