I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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