I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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