just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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