I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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