Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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