I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I need water and some morals
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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