I'm lost and stupid without you.
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Randomize
