Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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