if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
