my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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