i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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