insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
