Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Randomize
