Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
