Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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