Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I pour the whiskey from now on
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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