My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
