Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
