Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
