Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
