Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Randomize
