My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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