singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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